Coat Wars 2: The Reckoning

Unlike my article Coat Wars, this isn’t about choosing the right coat, but choosing any coat at all. Driving into work one day, I saw a young lady walking down the street. All she had on was a white hoodie. No hat, no gloves, no coat. It was 32 degrees! She didn’t seem bothered by the cold. Honestly, what the heck is the matter with these kids? At the risk of sounding like an old man yelling, “Get off my lawn!”, I really want to know. Have we somehow managed to create a mutant race of genetically superior children who are impervious to cold? If so, this is amazing news! Professor X is going to need a bigger school!

This phenomenon first came to my attention back in the early 2000s. My oldest son had a job at the local AMC Movie Theater. Since he was only fourteen at the time, my wife and I took turns driving him to and from work. My toasty car was pulled up in front of the building while I waited for his shift to end. As the theatergoers came and went, I couldn’t help but notice that many of them under the age of 18 (I’m guessing), weren’t wearing any coats. Normally, that wouldn’t have been a problem, but it was 10 DEGREES! Honestly, what’s wrong with these people? With recent advances in clothing technology, coats have gotten smaller, not bigger. Is it really that much of a burden to wear one?

When we were kids, our moms bundled us up like Randy from A Christmas Story. Between the boots you wore OVER your shoes, hats, scarves, mittens, and parkas, we were ready for anything Mother Nature could dish out. My hair used to be as unruly as Harry Potter’s, and my mom would deal with it by using my dad’s hairbrush and LOTS of water. This would result in any hair that snuck out of my hat icing up. Invariably, my head would thaw out during first period, dripping all over my handwriting homework and drawing the ire of the Nuns at St. Brendan’s. I might not have been the smartest kid in school, but at least I knew enough to wear a coat when it was 10 degrees outside. So the next time you see some kids in hoodies and shorts in January, marvel at the genetic miracles you see before you! I know I will.

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