Birthday Spankings

The other day, I saw a sign on a neighbor’s front lawn for an upcoming birthday party. For some reason, I wondered if the birthday boy or girl was going to get a Birthday Spanking. Back in the day, these mock spankings would be dished out at every birthday party. It didn’t just happen once either. Any adult had the right to whack your behind and give you a pinch to grow an inch, but they had to catch you first. Back when I was a kid, I said a lot of hellos from the other side of the room, just to be on the safe side. While researching this article, I found out some countries give Birthday Punches, so I suppose I got off lucky!

Recently, I missed a birthday party for our one-year-old nephew or grand-nephew. It’s hard to keep track of all the family titles these days. Anyway, since he was turning one, I wondered if anyone gave him a spanking. I tried to remember when this annual abuse started when we were kids. Probably, from the first birthday on. Of course, those were different times. Looking at photos from my first birthday party, you can clearly see shots of smoking adults, ashtrays all over the place (within kids’ easy reach), and giant beer bottles that must have held 16 oz, or more. The sheer lack of child-proofing would be enough to send modern-day parents over the edge. As my Aunt Aurilee used to say, “I like when Jerry takes a sip of my beer, there’s always more in the bottle when he’s done!” Yee-uck, slobber!!

Needless to say, times have changed. Nowadays, if an adult so much as raises a hand against a kid, there’s a good chance he or she will be brought up on charges. Even if it’s a justifiable smack on the hand for reaching for a hot stove. These days, if parents witnessed their children being tossed on the lap of a family member, and given the appropriate number of swats, the police would surely be called. Just for fun, it might be worth starting a “Birthday Spanking Challenge”, just to watch parents collectively freak out. Then post the videos on YouTube! I should be careful though. I just turned 60 the other day. If someone tries to spank me, they could be whacking my rear end for a very long time. Just remember, you gotta catch me first!

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